You smell like stripper and shame
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
