I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
