Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
