guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
ttyl tear gas
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
