lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
