I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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