But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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