yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
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Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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