I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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