my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this boner is exhausting
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
