I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
