He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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