Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
