At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
