i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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