I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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