Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.