ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.