And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Four minutes until I can fart!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going