My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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