I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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