I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
