My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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