When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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