Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
