how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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