Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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