So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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