I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
