I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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