I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
