I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
