Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
