Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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