Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
