dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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