You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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