How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
