ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
