"it" just moved
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Send help, water and tortillas.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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