everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
