haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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