tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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