I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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