Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
