there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
