He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I touched a dick in church today
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
