He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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