i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
