I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Less talking, more tequila
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
