she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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