Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
