I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
