I looked at my own cervix.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
