So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
