If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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